Right Speech...

Lately I've been noticing a lot about myself and others. The way we interact completely intriguing to me, especially in regards to what we say to each other and why. In class - as well as impersonally during conversation - I've been noticing myself and others bringing up points that don't necessarily add to the conversation or answer questions being posed, but often times we speak just to show that we know something. I find myself realizing that I know something that someone else doesn't or I have a particular insight that the class doesn't and my immediate reaction is to raise my hand and let everyone know. It really bothers me.

There is a fine line between speaking to learn and teach and speaking just to speak and be heard. Some points made in class discussion and everyday life need to be made. Sometimes when I have a particular point of view on the subject matter, it is important that I raise my hand and tell the class as it aids in everyone's understanding and welfare. Other times I need to remind myself that I'm not speaking because people need to hear what I'm saying; rather, I'm speaking because I want others to hear what I have to say and recognize me for it.

I think this point revolves around mindfulness. Only through constantly observing the contents of our own mind can the distinction be made between speech for speech's own sake and speech for the betterment of those hearing what we have to say. If we're monitoring our thoughts, we'll better understand the motivations we have for our decision to speak. I'll have to work on that!

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Now playing: Dave Black - Somewhere Over The Rainbow
via FoxyTunes

A strange day...

I started off my day at the Holiday Inn Express in Salem. When I woke up, I took a shower and wanted to put my contacts in. I couldn't find the case, so I asked Dad if he'd done anything with it due to the fact that Dad usually cleans up other people's stuff and puts it in random places no one would ever find on their own.
"Hey Pops, what'd you do with my contacts?" I ask.

"Oh," Dad says. "Those were yours? I think I may have thrown them away...sorry..."

Apparently Dad had woken up before me that morning and put in my contacts thinking they were his. When he realized he couldn't see at all, he figured it was because they were old and threw them away, leaving me blind in Salem. I'm not blind enough that I couldn't drive home, so after getting breakfast and grabbing a few things from the new house, I embarked on my two hour trip back to the lake to work two more shifts at Starbucks before I'm in South Eastern MO for the rest of the summer.

Once I got to the lake (A Dream Theater CD and a compiled Beatles CD later, with one great "ah ha!" moment during "There are places I remember), I went to my buddy Keith's house where I'm staying during Limbo. I rang the doorbell, knocked on the door, went all around the house to see if they had left any other doors open, and finally resigned myself to the fact that nobody is home. This means that I'm still blind and I have no clothes to change into for work and no place to just sit and be for a while. Anxiety rises.

Now, I'm at my mom's office at Columbia College and hanging out for a while until I can figure out what to do. I just wanted to maybe relieve a little stress by chilling out here and writing down my day. It's only 11:30!!!! AH!!!!!

You know what, I'm suffering through this move. I'm okay with admitting it because it seems that when I admit it, it becomes easier. Allowing people to know you aren't yourself and you're having a hard time makes it easier on you and everyone around you to get through your day. I'm human. I have struggles from time to time.

It feels like I haven't had a moment to rest for two weeks. I'm excited to finally get to Salem in a way because it means I can just sit and calm down. No job, no tasks, no stress (save that of missing everyone and a minute case of sensory depravation).

I think one of the main things that's stressing me out about this whole thing is that something so permanent in my life is shifting. It's not necessarily a bad thing, and I know that. I'm aware of the fact that impermanence is everywhere in life, I just don't know how I'm supposed to come to terms with that. I'm also aware that I'm very young and I'm not supposed to have this stuff figured out yet. That gives me hope.

The thing is this: I can deal with my home moving from one part of the state to the other. What I'm not okay with just yet is the idea of my relationships shifting and changing. The move has brought to my mind that even my most beloved relationships with people are fragile and can change at a moments notice. I could lose my friends, my family, everyone near me in a moment. This, in my mind, is the essence of mindfulness. Nothing is permanent. Nothing. The solution, then, is to live fully awake and fully alive in every moment in order to fully enjoy every impermanent thing while it is before you in the present.

Breath in, I calm my body.
Breath out, I smile.
Dwelling in the present moment,
I know this is a wonderful moment.
-Thich Nhat Hanh

Thank you, friends, for everything. Putting up with me can be a task at times, I'm sure. ;)

A slew of thoughts...

Sorry i haven't posted recently. There have been lots of things I've wanted to say, but little time to actually post them.

First of all, Boys State turned out well. I noticed that I don't like who I am when I haven't been sleeping, but now that it's over I feel like it was a worth-while experience. The guys were much different at the end of the week than they were at the beginning. It's a wonderful thing to see sixty kids get together as individuals and a week later watch them act as a unit.

I left Boys State and went to visit Lindsey in Lawrence, which was a wonderfully recharging adventure. Among other things, we went to church together with her friends in KC, visited a campground that has a lot of history for her, and ate various vegan meals. One interesting experience happened my first day in Lawrence:

I pierced my ears a few months ago. I've always wanted to do it, and I've also always wanted to gauge my ears. One day I just did it. I waited for them to heal, and then when I had waited long enough I started stretching them in Lawrence. Let me tell you, it hurt a lot. The earrings look pretty good and are healing well (in case you were wondering), but the lesson is about mindfulness. The pain kinda keeps me in the moment. It reminds me to stay right here, not thinking about the future or anything else. Which leads me to my next thought...

I can't be in a constant state of pain to remind me to stay right here. That would just be masochistic. I have always wanted something to help remind me to be mindful, though. I was thinking that a tattoo would be a great alternative to constant pain. The image would be in a visible place that I would see often, like my forearm, and it would be an image that would remind me to be mindful. It's kinda like the bells that ring every hour in Buddhist monasteries. The thought that has crossed my mind recently is that it wouldn't work. If my very breath, which is with me every moment of every day, can't remind me to be mindful, how will an image on my arm? Perhaps I should just work more on my breath meditation and focus on what I already have.

I moved into a new house today. I love the house, but I'm not a huge fan of the town yet. I'm sure I'll have more to say about it later, but it's strange to see moving men pick up your life for thirteen years and put it in a new place. I need to learn to be home wherever I am. I think maybe this whole thing has got me really distressed and messed up because it's making me think about impermanence. I'm not quite okay with impermanence yet. It's a scary thought for me. Just another thing to work on.

Life is good. I need to remember that.

Boys State...

This week I've been inactive due to my participation as a councilor in the Missouri Boys State program. It's a program designed to promote leadership and knowledge of government among high school junior guys. It made a huge impact on my life when I went through, so I like to give back every summer. Stressful, yes. Worthwhile, definitely.

I realized a lot over the past few days while I've been here about myself and about those around me. First of all, I realized that I'm not big on crowds. I'm sort of a control freak (I always like to know what's coming next), so having 60 juniors in one room is incredibly stressful for me. I find myself completely anxious all of the time, which is a terrible thing. I've been getting away at assemblies and taking ten or fifteen minutes to do some mindful breathing, which calms me down a lot.

The thing is, there is a lot of possibility for things to go wrong and change and fluxuate with 1000 guys in one place. They're hard to control, and I don't know how to react to that. I'm getting better at letting go of situations, but it's tough sometimes. I can't control life. I need to just live in the moment and allow it to shift and change. That's where the fun and excitement comes from anyway! If life went exactly as I had planned for it to, I would be really bored and disinterested. So I guess not having control is a good thing. I just need to learn that with my head and my heart, letting go of situations and enjoying the ride.

I really miss everyone. I miss being a part of the blog community, which I don't have time to do while I'm here. I'm putting in 17+ hour work days with these guys, which is incredibly taxing. I'll be back online soon, but it's tough being away for so long. Enjoy life! Breathe mindfully! It's a helpful tool....