Friday, June 29, 2007

A strange day...

I started off my day at the Holiday Inn Express in Salem. When I woke up, I took a shower and wanted to put my contacts in. I couldn't find the case, so I asked Dad if he'd done anything with it due to the fact that Dad usually cleans up other people's stuff and puts it in random places no one would ever find on their own.
"Hey Pops, what'd you do with my contacts?" I ask.

"Oh," Dad says. "Those were yours? I think I may have thrown them away...sorry..."

Apparently Dad had woken up before me that morning and put in my contacts thinking they were his. When he realized he couldn't see at all, he figured it was because they were old and threw them away, leaving me blind in Salem. I'm not blind enough that I couldn't drive home, so after getting breakfast and grabbing a few things from the new house, I embarked on my two hour trip back to the lake to work two more shifts at Starbucks before I'm in South Eastern MO for the rest of the summer.

Once I got to the lake (A Dream Theater CD and a compiled Beatles CD later, with one great "ah ha!" moment during "There are places I remember), I went to my buddy Keith's house where I'm staying during Limbo. I rang the doorbell, knocked on the door, went all around the house to see if they had left any other doors open, and finally resigned myself to the fact that nobody is home. This means that I'm still blind and I have no clothes to change into for work and no place to just sit and be for a while. Anxiety rises.

Now, I'm at my mom's office at Columbia College and hanging out for a while until I can figure out what to do. I just wanted to maybe relieve a little stress by chilling out here and writing down my day. It's only 11:30!!!! AH!!!!!

You know what, I'm suffering through this move. I'm okay with admitting it because it seems that when I admit it, it becomes easier. Allowing people to know you aren't yourself and you're having a hard time makes it easier on you and everyone around you to get through your day. I'm human. I have struggles from time to time.

It feels like I haven't had a moment to rest for two weeks. I'm excited to finally get to Salem in a way because it means I can just sit and calm down. No job, no tasks, no stress (save that of missing everyone and a minute case of sensory depravation).

I think one of the main things that's stressing me out about this whole thing is that something so permanent in my life is shifting. It's not necessarily a bad thing, and I know that. I'm aware of the fact that impermanence is everywhere in life, I just don't know how I'm supposed to come to terms with that. I'm also aware that I'm very young and I'm not supposed to have this stuff figured out yet. That gives me hope.

The thing is this: I can deal with my home moving from one part of the state to the other. What I'm not okay with just yet is the idea of my relationships shifting and changing. The move has brought to my mind that even my most beloved relationships with people are fragile and can change at a moments notice. I could lose my friends, my family, everyone near me in a moment. This, in my mind, is the essence of mindfulness. Nothing is permanent. Nothing. The solution, then, is to live fully awake and fully alive in every moment in order to fully enjoy every impermanent thing while it is before you in the present.

Breath in, I calm my body.
Breath out, I smile.
Dwelling in the present moment,
I know this is a wonderful moment.
-Thich Nhat Hanh

Thank you, friends, for everything. Putting up with me can be a task at times, I'm sure. ;)


lindsey said...

My iTunes is on shuffle, and as I started reading your blog it started playing "Hey Jude". How appropriate. :-)

I'm here for you. I know this move is frustrating and scary and anxious, but if anyone can tackle it and learn from can.

When I get to Salem on Monday can we just sit for awhile? I think its something we both need.

Anonymous said...

Change happens even when you don't move. There aren't as many guards at the pool this summer, so I'm sometimes scheduled to guard and I'm also called in to subsitute sometimes; I work in the neighborhood of 40 hours every week. Because of that, I haven't seen any of my Bolivar friends except Evan, even though I live here. I had a thought just yesterday that there are probably a good handful of people I got along with really well in High School that I'll never see again for the rest of my life.

You can't escape change, and you're on the right track: accept the change and love the present moment, and you'll be all right.


Robin said...

If only we could use a little more compassion, some dose of loving kindness, and lots of wisdom... I am sure this world could be a better place.