Notes to Myself...

One of my very best friends, Keith, lent me a book a while back named Notes to Myself by Hugh Prather. It's a short book, but an amazing read filled with insightful aphorisms about life and our inner self. As a sincere introvert, I really appreciated the analysis Prather made of himself and others, so I started my own to see if I couldn't learn some things about myself as well. After writing little snippets down for a while, I've decided to post up a few of my favorites to further chronicle my character and the issues I think about up to this point. So here goes:

When you judge people and make misconceptions beforehand, you close yourself off to a relationship with who that person truly is.

Being a truly good listener is much more difficult than I thought. It requires not only hearing what is said but also what is not said. Also, if you listen close enough, many people will tell you what they want you to say.

Is there any other way to deal with a situation that is out of your control besides to worry about it? I believe that what is important to remember is that while a situation may be out of your control, you are never out of control of how you react to that situation. One always has the choice to react positively, or at least appropriately, to any instance you may find yourself in, and that is what makes all the difference.

Never, ever underestimate the power of a few earnest kind words from someone who cares about you.

Truly living requires learning from as many situations as possible. Unless you are learning, you aren't fully living.

I think that if most poeple are honest with themselves, they'll see in their heart of hearts that all we want is to be loved. How can we be loved without first loving others, faults included?

I find there are two ways to listen to people: You can listen focusing on what is said in order to find contradictions, pick out flaws, or just find ways to relate what is being said to yourself and wait to speak. Or, you can listen purely for the sake of hearing what the other person has to say and better understand someone other than yourself. Understanding brings unity, togetherness, and ultimately love. Anything else brings about a division and barrier between people.

More often than not I judge people because I'm sure they're judging me. It's more of a self defense mechanism than an offensive means. I say to myself, "That guy probably thinks X about me. What a mean person," closing myself off to any emotional connection with them.

The other method of judgment I see in myself is another defense mechanism. In order to validate myself, I set up a rule of measurement in which I am the ruler. People are never up to my standard in one way or the other, making me the ultimate being. This is ignorant and ultimately leads to another lack of connection with people.

What does "I" mean? "I" am a scholar, a lover, a friend, an athlete, a son, and a myriad of other titles, but what is my essence? None of my titles or abilities truly defines "me". I am not fully anything, but somehow all of my combined "almosts" makes "me". I'm just not sure what that truly means.

I used to call myself a misanthrope. I get so upset with my race. I don't think I'm misanthropic because I hate mankind, but I'm misanthropic because I love mankind so much. I see us as having limitless potential, yet it is never realized and nobody cares. Seeing our unrealized, complacently forgotten potential is what truly upsets me about mankind.

Sometimes when I see someone like myself, I notice myself wanting to compliment them. It's like validating who I am by validating them. I also notice myself expecting a compliment in return. Why? Why don't I just compliment people for their own sake, not wanting anything in return?

Every time I find myself getting really upset in a conversation, it's usually for one of two reasons:
1) I am upset with myself for not conveying my opinions very well and being misunderstood, or
2) I get defensive for not really being sure of what I feel. When people probe and poke ideas that I'm still developing and am unsure of, it upsets me for some reason.

We talk about "getting through" hard times. Should we? We learn the most about ourselves when life is difficult, so why not "get through" the easy times instead? Or better yet, how about not "getting through" any of life, but instead savoring every second of pleasure and suffering equally? Only then will we be always alive.

So that's me. These are the things I think about on a daily basis when I evaluate myself honestly. I like to try and give other people the benefit of the doubt and humble myself, because honestly I more often than not have a selfish intention lurking behind my actions. Seeking it out, figuring out why it's there, and fixing it is what I hope will ultimately make me the kind of person I'd like to become. Time will tell.

The Beauty of a Bad Day...

Yesterday got off to a bad start. I'm somewhat bogged down by assignments due at the end of the semester (big research papers, medium sized research papers, small research papers, the usual) and there are just some things going on in my personal life that are making this time of the year particularly stressful. Sometimes it's a bit much to handle, so yesterday I decided to skip class (I really do apologize, Panza. I did the reading and am working hard on that paper for you) and go on a bike ride to relax.

I tend to do that. That's actually how I fell in love with biking. I started to ride in the midst of the end of a relationship with a girl I was infatuated with, so biking became my therapy. I would push as hard as I could for two hours, treating hills as my shortcomings and furiously working to overcome them. It was great. There is something about thinking about my problems after I've exhausted my body to the point of collapsing that helps me put them into perspective.

Anywho, I was rolling along and pushing hard, as is customary when in distress, when I decided to make a stop at my favorite park to just sit and watch people. When I was there, I saw a young family who were just hanging around the fountains. The parents looked in their mid twenties and the kids between the ages of six and eight, and they looked as if they were on the lower rungs of the economic class. When I stopped, the fountains started to come on (they put on a fountain show a few times an hour) and the little boy lit up and said, "I love my birthday!!!!" Just then the father looked at me with a glow that told me he loved his son's birthday too. Suddenly my whole day turned around.

The family reminded me that everyone's life is hard. Hardships look different and some have more than others. I couldn't imagine trying to raise two kids in my mid twenties in the working class of America. Life must be hard for people like that, but this man still looked at me like he couldn't be happier to be with his family at the park in that very moment, and it made me feel like I couldn't be happier to watch them being there.

Feeling down, suffering, hurting, having hard days, it's all part of the human experience. Feeling these emotions is incredibly important because it brings us all together. We're all part of the human race, just leaves on a tree, spokes on a wheel, and having anxiety ridden days makes us realize that we're not alone. We're all part of something bigger than ourselves. It would be inauthentic to deny these emotions and run away from them. They're what makes us who we are and what unites us all. We're one big support group.

It reminds me of one of my favorite poems, O me, O life!, by Walt Whitman:
"O me, o life!
The qestions of these recurring

Of the endless trains of the faithless
Of cities filled with the foolish

Of myself, forever reproaching myself
For who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?

Of eyes that vainly crave the light, of the objects mean, of the struggle ever renewed

Of the poor results of all
Of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me

Of the empty and useless years of the rest, with the rest, me intertwined

The question, o me, So sad, recurring:
What good amid these, o me, o life?

Answer:

That you are here; that life exists, and identity
That the powerful play goes on, that you might contribute a verse"

Beautiful.

Emerging through trial...

My friends, I realized today that my blog has been in existence for over a year now. That's crazy. I remember I started it last year after Peter Clothier (whom I now consider a somewhat distant mentor of mine) came to Drury last year and read poetry to us. He mentioned his blog and his religious beliefs, so I got online and started my own for the sole purpose of commenting on his. I have since tried to turn this blog into a chronicle of my spiritual journey in order to not only keep a record of the ways in which I'm changing throughout my stay here at Drury but also to keep myself sane throughout my drastic reformation of self. I'm not the most diligent poster, but I do enjoy this blog and I appreciate the people who read and comment a whole lot. So I thought I'd begin this post with a cheers to those of you who make my life brighter and more interesting, to those of you who challenge me spiritually and emotionally, who critique me into becoming the best me I can be, and to those of you who are with me when things have gotten really hard. Thank you.

Recently I've been getting into a new movement in Christianity which I feel really suits me. Interestingly enough, the more I read about it, the more I realize that I embody this movement and have somehow come to the exact conclusions that these people do without even knowing it. Rob Winger, a friend of my Dad's for many years and now recently another sort of mentor of mine, recently gave me a copy of a book called "The New Christians: Dispatches from the Emergent frontier" by a man named Tony Jones. The book, about Emergent Christianity, gives me a sense of relief and comfort spiritually that I haven't felt in a long time.

Basically Emergent Christianity is Christianity's reaction to the Post-Modern era. Studying philosophy has taught me that reason is fallible and truth is subjective. Knowing this, it's difficult for me to ascribe to a belief system held by only one quarter of the world's population which says, "We know the absolute Truth (with a capital T) and if you don't believe it, your eternal soul is in trouble." Everything that statement says is completely unjustifiable epistemologically, so I can't necessarily call it "truth." A lot of Emergents think the same way I do, and have reacted.

The focus has been put on conversational spirituality, on non-literal interpretation of the Bible (and the whole Bible, not just selected passages which are easy to swallow), and following the way of Jesus as lovingly as possible. This doesn't mean that everything is loosey-goosey in the Emergent church, but it does mean that every belief, every profession of faith, and every interpretation comes with a deep sense of humility. The reality of the situation is that not only do we not "know" the truth behind our faith statements and beliefs, but we CAN'T know, so we have to hold them very humbly.

As such, orthopraxy is given grounds to take the stage. The Emergent movement, which realizes that life isn't just about "me and Jesus" but that we live in a community which is affected by every action we do, strongly emphasizes that faith without works is dead. If one truly wishes to be a Christian, they have to live a loving, open, virtuous life. Jesus cared for the sick, helped the poor, loved the unloved, and tended to the broken in spirit. That's exactly what we're called to do as well. The thing that I love about this is that regardless of race, sexual orientation, religious creed, gender, etc., we can (or should) all agree on this point.

So for now, I think I'm starting to settle once again into Christianity, but with a much more humble, accepting, and loving approach. I've still got a lot of thinking and reading to do, but as I've started to put down in previous posts, it just feels good to be able to go back to the tradition I once loved so much. So here's to another day of reflection, to humility, to agape, to community. Thanks, Rob and Dad, for being there and helping me out even when I didn't necessarily ask you to. This semester has been really hard, and I feel like through the trials I have emerged with a spiritual foundation.

My Solution...

Okay, so after my last post, anonymous asked me what I'm going to do about the fact that my friends and I often have polar opposite beliefs and that gets us into conflict. That question is way too big to answer in another comment. It'd probably come off a bit brash and not very thought through, so I figured I'd take a little time to outline one of the virtues I try to live my life by.

Through all of my studying and discussing ideas with professors and friends I have learned that I don't really know as much as I think I know. Everything that I have learned in my classes is barely scratching the surface of all of the available knowledge in my particular fields, let alone in the world. I tend to forget that from time to time though. One of my biggest fears is that I'll turn into the stereotypical philosophy majors. You know, the asshole guy who acts like he's better than you because he studies philosophy, somehow giving him the answers to life and giving him permission to impress his values upon you. I really don't enjoy being around that and I know others don't either, so I try to not be that guy.

I think that the desire to be that guy is fairly natural. It's the ego asking to be stroked. I've definitely been that guy before. I think it's a stage most college kids go through once they start getting an (what feels like) in-depth knowledge of their field. We want to say that our knowledge is the right kind of knowledge, that our ideas are the right ideas, etc. When I really spend time thinking about it, it's less about defending my ideas and more about defending myself, like somehow if I have the right ideas I'm justified.

The solution for me is to realize that I don't know much. Since I've been studying Confucius, I'll quote a few passages which have helped me lately (thanks, Panza). 2.17: “To know what you know and know what you don’t know - this then is wisdom.” I'm working on knowing what I know and knowing what I don't know. Realizing that I don't know everything, I try to approach conversations like the one I outlined in my last post by asking myself what I can learn from this person that I vehemently disagree with. Perhaps my last post didn't do a good job of showing that (and perhaps I didn't do a good job of it at all when I had the conversation), but I'm working towards that end.

4.10: "Exemplary persons in making their way in the world are neither bent on nor against anything; rather, they go with what is appropriate." In knowing that I don't know much, it would be inappropriate for me to settle permanently in any position and defend that position as if it is objectively "right." Right now I think that loving people, working towards a mindset of compassion, and trying to establish harmony are the goals I want to work for. There is almost definitely more than one way to get there. I need to keep my mind open and learn from other people.

So that's my answer, anonymous and Citizen. I think I should probably not stop hanging out with people who's opinions differ from mine for a few reasons. If I don't hang out with them, how am I ever supposed to learn from them? If I think they're wrong, how am I ever going to have any hope of changing their minds if I don't continue to be around them? I don't ever intend on taking their particular position. It doesn't seem to be in line with what I think is the reason for being alive, but that doesn't mean that the people themselves are bad, you know?

I didn't fall COMPLETELY off the face of the Earth...

Okay, so I haven't posted in over a month. I know, I know. Not good. There were a few times throughout this past winter break from classes that I thought about abolishing this site altogether since it's just taking up space and I hadn't had the dedication to keep up with it, but I have instead decided to persist. This blog plays a very important role in my life, especially while I'm taking new classes. I use this blog as a means of expressing my more life-altering findings and challenges with the hope that people will respond to my queries. It's a sounding board for my academic and emotional struggles that I encounter because of the subject matter I have submitted myself to. In that respect, this blog still has a very important role to play in my life, and although I took a brief hiatus, I intend to keep it alive until. In a way, I need this blog to keep my sanity throughout the semester, so thank you to everyone who has read any of it, and especially thank you to those who decided to comment from time to time. You have no idea how much it means to me.

That being said, I'm back at Drury with a full load, and I expect to have lots and lots to write about in the coming months. I'm taking Intro to the Bible, which has already proved to be very, very interesting (who knew that the Bible we have today really isn't inerrant? ;) ). I'm also enrolled in Middle Eastern Religion (very relevant for this day and age), Confucian Virtue Ethics, Global Awareness (gen. ed. coarse on cultural differences), and Philosophy of Religion. On top of that I'm still an RA, I have to maintain my music scholarships by playing in Drury's ensembles, and I recently received a full scholarship to the Springfield Ballet Company, which is a VERY exciting opportunity for me. A busy semester indeed!

This is just a small post to let everyone know I'm back and I'm ready for whatever Drury will throw at me this semester. It's also to let whoever reads this blog know that I appreciate you. I need you. I need your advice, your input, your encouragement, your critiques, your anything. We're all in this life together, and this online community that we all participate in has a delightful way of reminding me that. So here's to a new semester. May it bring us all one step closer to finding truth and happiness.

On Notes to Myself...

My best friend from the lake, Keith, lent me a book. It's very small, but not without power. It's called Notes to Myself by Hugh Prather, and I'm soaking it up. I'm probably going to have a few posts in regards to this book, today being the first. Today, I'd like to just put down this quote. It reminds me of myself and my last year in school.

"As I look back on my life, one of the most constant and powerful things I have experienced within myself is the desire to be more than I am at the moment - an unwillingness to let myself remain where I am - a desire to increase the boundaries of myself - a desire to do more, learn more, express more - a desire to grow, improve, accomplish, expand. I used to interpret this inner push as a meaning that there was some one thing out there I wanted to do or be or have. And I have spent too much of my life trying to find it. But now I know that this energy within me is seeking more than the mate or the profession or the religion, more even than pleasure or power or meaning. It is seeking out more of me; or better, it is, thank God, flushing out more of me."

Thank you, Hugh Prather, for putting me into words better than I ever have. I encourage everyone to read this book and find themselves a little more.