Tuesday, February 23, 2010

On Being Wild...

I just finished reading "Walden," Henry David Thoreau's masterpiece, for my Senior Seminar. Yesterday we had our final discussion about it, and I realized something strange. There's a little throw-away line about how we all need to do something to keep us "wild," to keep us alive and mindful, to have something to keep us excited about life and not stagnant. We went around talking about what we do to keep ourselves wild, what revs our engines so to speak, and I realized that I've really lost that part of myself somehow over the past few years.

I used to be really passionate about so much in a childlike, simple kind of way. Every day was an adventure which I attacked with vim and vigor. Somehow though, for a myriad of reasons, my life became very calculated. I do most things now because I should do them, or because they're good for me, or because they're safer, but that passion and intensity have somewhat dissipated.

I'm not saying that my life is bland or boring or that I'm not sure about what I'm doing. I have a great life and I know where I'm headed, but there's something not quite there. It's like I'm not really getting out and living, stepping outside of myself and growing. I feel more like I'm in a defensive state these days. Like I'm just preparing for the next bad thing to happen. It's really draining and stressful. I feel very anxious a lot of the time about my life.

So I guess that I'm going to be on a quest to reclaim my wildness, to live boldly and suck the marrow out of life. I don't really have any idea how to go about that yet, but I'm really ready for this cold winter - both literally and metaphorically - to be over in my life. I've spent enough time recoiling. Time to stir some shit up.

If anyone has any suggestions, I'm all ears! I just want to be excited, really excited, about something again.


kelseyt said...

Hey Mark, hang in there buddy! I've been feeling a lot like you do lately. I almost feel like I'm standing still. Watching my friends graduate, going out and having fun, carefree. Now I've been married almost 3 years and my son is about to turn 2 in May, I know I'm already in the next step of my life (I love my life), but I can't help feeling like I've lost a bit of myself, my daringness. I feel like I've missed out on a phase of my life (college life, carefree). So hang in there Mark, you're not alone in this quest. I too am trying to find my wildness.

Anonymous said...