Sunday, February 21, 2010

Clearing my Mind...

Lately, when I hold Yoko, I've been talking to her. I've been working on strengthening our bond together because as I see it, she's going to be the only thing coming with me from this life into the next.

When I graduate and leave Drury, all of my friends will disperse. The community I've worked four years to create, the people who've been with me through it all, essentially the loves of my life, will disperse. My best friend David is moving to New Orleans with the Episcopal Church to help rebuild. Matt will be moving to Tennessee on scholarship to Vanderbilt's divinity school. Valerie will head to Kansas City with Nic to work at some company. There will be a few people left in Springfield, but I won't have a home there anymore. I'm so proud of all of us. We're all doing really great things with our lives, but it's really difficult to grow up and see through my childish desire to just put my fingers in my ears, close my eyes, and stomp around screaming at the change.

Yoko, however, will be delving deep into the unknown together. Together, we'll either make it in the dance world or we won't. It feels scary, I guess, to be going through the biggest change in my life with only a dog by my side. Not that she lacks commitment or loyalty or anything, but our conversations tend to be a bit one-sided.

It's tough for me to see the up side to graduation sometimes. I'm leaving the place I love, the people I love, the lifestyle I love, to go after something I'm not even sure I'll be able to make a living doing. I'm not saying that I'm choosing the wrong career path (I'm pretty positive I'm not), but it just seems strange to me that for the first time in my life I'm not as excited about the future as I am about right now. The future just seems like the end of today, which is a sad death in my mind. It's going to be a tough fight. That's for sure.

Is this normal? I feel a bit like a tamed animal who is about to get dropped off on the side of the road to fend for itself. Sink or swim. And do it alone. It's really terrifying.

1 comment:

JustJess said...


It is. So very normal. And, I promise you that, as cliche as it sounds, it is only the beginning. College was amazing. I made great bonds, learned so much about myself and about relationships. But ultimately, it really has only gotten better. I left believing that I may not ever have as good of friends or as exciting of experiences as I did my four years of undergrad. Yet, God has exceeded my expectations every year since then. The adventures only get bigger. All those things you wonder if you and your friends will ever accomplish? You get to be front and center as they happen. And they will happen. Or they will get replaced by different accomplishments that will mean just as much. It's only the beginning, buddy. I can't wait to cheer you on through the journey of "the real world." You are going to be an amazing addition to it. All my love.