I Miss Jesus...

It's no mystery to those who know me, but to those who don't, I've somewhat given up on the belief in the idea that Jesus Christ is God and is necessary for our salvation. It doesn't make sense to me, and it creates a lot of theological problems. For me, it creates more issues than it's worth, so I've thrown it out. The Jesus of Matthew, Mark, and Luke aren't terrible, but the Jesus of the gospel of John drives me crazy. I can't stand all the talk of being God and the "I'm better than all of you and you need to follow me or face weeping and gnashing of teeth" that I feel when I read it.

But still I go to church. I like being faceless in a crowd of people gathered to learn how to be better people. I don't mind Jesus as an exemplar, just Jesus as a religious leader shaming us into being good people. Today was one of the Sundays I actually got up and went to a new church. It was really peaceful. People were friendly, there was a lovely sermon (I don't quite remember what it was about now, but I liked it at the time), a wonderful traditional service, and nobody knew me. It was cool.

In the middle of church, I started to realize that while my academic endeavors have led me to discard my belief in the Godhead and Jesus as necessary for salvation, I miss that so much. Particularly lately I've been feeling so guilty about my life. I feel terrible about the things I've done, the things I haven't done, and the people I've hurt along the way. I want someone to tell me it's going to be okay, that I'm still a good person, that the path I'm following is leading me to be the man that I want to be. I miss the idea that I can just pray to Jesus and it will all be better.

Even while I say that, I realize that a belief in Jesus Christ never could fulfill me. It's nice to feel forgiven, like I can start over, but it didn't fix anything. It was a false sense of security. Perhaps Jesus had died for my sins, but I still had to take full responsibility of my actions here on Earth. I never experienced and divine revelation showing me the way, creating unbelievable coincidences guiding me along a certain path, or anything mystical outside of my own emotions.

Without Jesus, I actually have to forgive myself. I have to make amends with those around me whom I have hurt. The ball is in my court. It's a lot more difficult to not have a scapegoat like Jesus to pawn all of my troubles onto, but I also feel like it's more virtuous. Part of becoming a man is learning that my actions have consequences, that people have emotions and I need to take those into account, and creatively discovering ways to clean up my own messes.

Still, I miss Jesus. I miss feeling like some higher power has done something miraculous for me, but I just can't bring myself to buy into it any more. Growing up sucks.