Friday, May 4, 2007

Learning about myself...

I've been spending time meditating on my emotions and how I feel about certain situations recently. Okay, confession? To be truthful, I hate using words like "meditate" and combining Buddhism with Christianity. I've got lots more thinking to do in this area, but I feel like a buffet religionist sometimes. A lot of it stems from feeling somewhat alone on this amalgous limb. Perhaps a lot of it is fear that I'm wrong, that I'm doing the wrong thing. Still, I am enjoying the benefits of wisdom passed down from more than one man in history.

Anywho, after trying to open myself up to the reality of my emotions, I've figured out some stuff that I really dislike. There is a specific girl in one of my freshman classes that makes it a point to flaunt what she's good at, specifically listing her talents and expecting praise for them. While that is somewhat okay and even expected of a small child, it bothers me when she does it. I couldn't quite pinpoint why until the other day when I noticed myself trying to flaunt my own philosophical grasp in my religion course.

I noticed myself talking an awful lot in class, and it's difficult for me to describe exactly what is going through my head at the current moment; the emotion I feel and felt towards the specific incident is rather illusive. What I felt is mostly a need for people to know I'm valuable. I'm smart, damnit! I know this stuff! Look at me and listen to the insightful words coming out of my mouth! Be impressed! I hate that. Now that I've seen it in myself, I can relate to the girl that absolutely drives me batty in class.

I feel compassion for her. To me, her bragging is a means for her to get people to value her. She wants people to know she has worth. I can relate. I understand. The hard part is giving yourself that worth, not getting it from other people. I want her to know that she has inherent value just by being. Just because she is, she is loved. Perhaps I'll tell her that this afternoon.

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