A Long Weekend...

I had quite the weekend.

I went to Columbia to celebrate my brother's 23rd birthday. I've gotta tell you, I love visiting my family. I saw my entire family (mom, dad, brother, sister, brother-in-law, two dogs, and two cats), saw the new Indiana Jones movie, ate good food, and just generally had a great time.

When I pulled into town, I'm walking towards the door and my brother greeted me. He said, "Hey, it's my birthday, so I want you to agree to something before I tell you what it is. Call it my birthday present." Of course, I agreed. Before I knew it we were sneaking into Faurot Field at 11:30 at night to sit on the 50 yard line and drink a beer. Though it was incredibly stupid, I had a great time breaking the law with my brother for his birthday. It was a good beer, we didn't hurt anybody or anything, and hey, it's just a misdemeanor, right? Totally worth it.

What I didn't enjoy this weekend was my family's discussion of religion. I think it's important to point out that I'm the youngest, so there is an instant condescension when they talk to me, but particularly in religion. They're pretty fundamentalist Christian in their attitudes, which means there is no room for debate. They're right. We're terrible people, Jesus was God who came to die for our sins so that we could be redeemed, every other religion is completely worthless, etc. It's really hard for me to deal with.

I really want to rant right now, but I won't. It really hurt me to tell my sister about my hard-fought-for religious beliefs and have her tell me that she thinks I'm wrong and feels sorry for me for holding them. I hate that kind of pejorative talk, like I haven't thought long and hard about what I think is the truth.

In reality, I think that kind of Christianity is very hurtful. It condemns over 3/4 of the world who don't believe in Christ. It takes a lot of hubris to think that just because you were born into a particular set of beliefs that everyone else is wrong. How does that fit into the view that God is all-loving anyway? Besides, God seems WAY too big, too beautiful, too loving, too mysterious to be completely described by the Christian Bible. It's like worshiping the Bible if you really think that it's got God figured out. Idolatry. No good.

I really hate what Christianity has turned into these days. I spent a lot of time thinking about it, and some time writing about it in my other journal. I'll be posting that tomorrow, though. Something to look forward to!!!

More on Christianity...

We talked about Christianity in my Philosophy of Religion course today, and I realized that every time we start to talk about Christianity in a philosophical or analytical context I experience a physical (and I'm sure mental) change. My muscles tighten, I get a lump in the pit of my stomach, and I just want to scream and run out. This, I think, stems from a few things, but it really upsets me that I can't rationally talk about this faith. I get very emotional about it in a very negative way.

I think that I feel spiritually abused by Christianity. For years people told me it was absolutely the right path and any other path was invalid. Now I think differently. For years people told me that if I would just pray to Jesus and God for answers, I'd find them. I never did. If I just lifted my prayers up to God he'd help. Then I watched one of my closest friends die a very painful death of cancer after we'd prayed until we could pray no more, leaving behind two daughters my age.

Christianity never helped me change my habits, so I kept feeling like I was doing it wrong or I was broken somehow. Through the years of putting all of my faith in God and the continual feeling of neglect, I couldn't help but think that it was because I was a spiritual failure. Everyone else got it, so why couldn't I? What was wrong with me? But I was continually told that Jesus loved me and there was no other path, so I tried harder and harder until I went to college. There I learned that there were alternatives to original sin, brokenness, the feeling of being God's unwanted child, and John's arrogant Jesus.

Now, hearing people preach the same path that caused me so much anguish and talk about Christianity's validity and truth claims makes me physically sick to my stomach. It makes me angry, I get distraught, and I also get scared.

This is what runs through my mind when we talk about Christianity:

I begin with something like, "Here we go again. Who could believe this? This is ridiculous! It naturally creates hierarchies, oppresses people by citing the Bible (which, I might add, is in no way justified as being the inerrant word of God!), and for the most part doesn't create people whose primary goal is to love and help each other. Why do people board this sinking ship?"

Then my past creeps up on me. "What if I used to be right? What if I really do need to be saved through Jesus Christ to enter heaven? What if my studies are only helping me rationalize not being able to do it right? What if I am broken and need grace? What if Christianity is the only way and God really was just ignoring me? What if it really is right and I'm going to spend an eternity in Hell?"

Then I get scared. There's no way of proving any of it, but sure enough some people will preach it as perfectly valid in every way because their pastor told them God said so. What if they're right? I don't want to believe it, but what if it's true? Even if it is true, I don't think I can go back to being who I was. It's too painful to continue to pray to a God who promises to listen and doesn't, who doesn't help the people who worship Him, who tells us to love Him and spread the message that He's supreme but never seems to love us back.

I'm through with it. I think we all need to work out our own salvation. I'm tired of waiting for God to work it out for me. We've gotta do some things for ourselves, no matter how painful it is and no matter how painful it is to look back on who we were once.

Works or Grace?

I've been meaning to post on this subject for a while but the time has just gotten away from me. The topic I wish to discuss stems from Thich Nhat Hanh's book, Living Buddha Living Christ, in which he discusses the similarities between Buddhism and Christianity and how we can better learn to love each other. A very interesting book for those that are up for a light, intriguing read.

Thich Nhat Hanh's theory works from a Buddhist perspective, but I'm not sure about how well pluralism works from a Western perspective, which is what I'd like to figure out. Perhaps there are some beliefs of Buddhism that work well with Christianity (mindfulness, interconnectedness, the detachment from worldly outcomes), but I tend to think that Christianity is more about right belief than right action, which I think is a shame. If it were just about right action, the world religions would all get along for the most part without much worry, but they fight over beliefs most of the time.

In John 14:6, Jesus says, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one gets to the father accept through me." Most Christians rely on this verse to prove that ONLY a belief in Christ will get them to the afterlife, but I think the way it is worded could lend itself to orthodoxy or orthopraxy. The word "through" could mean either belief or action. Saying "the way, the truth, and the life" could emphasize action more than belief. Either way, I think that the verse is insufficient evidence to back up the notion that belief is what is most important in Christianity.

What is a very compelling argument for orthodoxy over orthopraxy is more theoretical. For Buddhists, action and the way we encounter the world is more important because you get an eternity to get it right. No matter what you believe, you've got another shot at it in the next life. Christianity is not the same though. The fact that a Christian life is linear makes belief and grace the only way to go. Not everyone has the same circumstances in life, so it wouldn't be just to judge everyone by their actions due to the fact that not everyone has the same upbringing. In a linear lifetime, the only thing that makes sense is grace and a belief system of forgiveness.

This is just prima facie thoughts on the matter. I'm not sure what I believe or if I'm on the right track at all, but it's an interesting subject. What's more important: right action or right belief? Orthodoxy or orthopraxy? Works or grace? We may never know this side of eternity.