A Major Struggle...

Okay, so I know I have lots of people who have a Buddhist perspective who actually read this blog, so I'm asking for your help. I'm really lost and confused and it's all Buddhism's fault! Here's my dilemma:

I think Buddhism makes a lot of sense. Logically, I can follow it and it doesn't seem to be as contradictory as other things. The idea of anatman is both the most attractive thing about it and the thing that makes me hate it at the same time. I think it's attractive because it captures my intuitions about my Self. If I have a soul or Atman, what the hell is it? How do I define it? What is it made of? Where is it located? I can't explain any of these things. For me, all I can say exists is me as a body and as a thinking substance.

Also, we've been talking about personal identity in my classical problems in philosophy course. From everything we've studied so far, I can make no claims that I have a personal identity separate from everyone else that is distinctly me throughout time. Only a body separates us and makes me me and you you. From that vantage point, it seems like anatman makes sense as well.

Even still, I can't be at peace with it. Here's why:

I feel like by accepting Buddhism, I'm accepting a worse notion of human nature than original sin. If all life is impermanent and suffering, then our existence is a cosmic accident. We are a result of some accidental craving and clinging and the solution to the problem of humanity is to attain Nirvana. It seems like it belittles not just my inherited bad nature, but my very existence to a problem. Thus I enter Nihilism and it seems like everything I do is worthless. All I'm doing is perpetuating the human problem.

Everyone keeps telling me that Buddhism is happy and compassionate, but it doesn't seem that way to me. It seems like it's telling me that I'm worthless and I need to be dissolved. It's really hard for me right now because Buddhism makes more sense to me than anything else I've studied thus far, but in order to fully accept it I feel like I have to become a Nihilist and believe that there is nothing of value. We're all utterly meaningless and worthless in this big cosmic accident.

On a side note, I hate the thing that religions do. They make it so if you disagree with them, you appear to be stupid or eternally damned. From Christianity's perspective, if I don't accept I'm going to hell. From Buddhism's perspectives, if I don't buy into anatman, I have wrong views and am craving and clinging. Dammit!

My Hero, Al Ghazali...

I have come across a particular philosopher two times in my studies thus far. The first time he and I crossed paths was last year in my Medieval Philosophy course. Al Ghazali, an Islamic philosopher from the 11th century, was just someone for me to study then. I didn't really connect with him. I think I was just on a different part of my journey back then, but this week when he and I met again, it was different.

I'm reading a book right now for my Does God Exist? course. It's called "A History of God," and it goes over a chapter about the history of philosophers and their connection to the question, "Does God exist?" That's a question that I've struggled with for a little while, but not in the traditional sense. My problem is that I don't know how to define God. What is God? I'm sure that there is something out there that is "God," but whether that is Brahman, some ultimate consciousness, Reason, the Self, I'm just unsure. This is where my man Al Ghazali comes in.

Around 1070, Al Ghazali became a scholar. He wanted to answer the questions he had about God and the world surrounding him. He studied every branch of knowledge he could. He was a mathematician, a physician, and ultimately settled on philosophy. Al Ghazali tried to answer the deep question, "Does God exist?" using logic and metaphysics, to which he was ultimately unsuccessful.

The story goes that he eventually became so distraught that he was actually clinically depressed. He wanted to kill himself to end his anguish over the question. He couldn't take anything on faith, and there are very solid philosophical arguments either way, so he sank deeper into confusion and depression. Eventually, a doctor told him he had to quit this obsession with these questions or he would meet his demise. It was then that Al Ghazali took his leave from philosophy and became a Sufi, a mystic. After several years as an ascetic in the wilderness, he came back having experienced God first hand and his fears were stilled.

Al Ghazali says all the things he learned about God were a heuristic ladder to reach the experience of God, which is the ultimate goal of life. Eventually, you can only learn so much. You've got to throw away all of that knowledge and experience something. Knowledge can only get you so far.

For me, Al Ghazali is my hero. I struggle with philosophy and religion in the same way that Al Ghazali did. I often wonder whether I'm going into this profession for the wrong reason. I'm not doing it ultimately for the love of philosophy itself, but I want to learn more about different faiths so I can hopefully figure out the truth behind this world that I'm living in. That's why I can't stop. My problem is the same as Al Ghazali's though. Words aren't going to tell me what this world is really about, or what God is. I've got to experience that personally. That's the only answer I can come up with. Now if I could only find the time....

What's so bad about being in the Matrix anyway?

So, I've started a new book called "Philosophers Explore the Matrix" in which a bunch of philosophers and students of religion take it upon themselves to flesh out all the tricky questions The Matrix poses, and it's blowing my mind.

So far I've read all about solipsistic views of reality (if you get a chance, examine the verificationist's point of view. Tell me what you think is wrong with it) and what exactly constitutes "real," which is a much more difficult question than one might originally think. I think I've lost a little respect for the Wachowski brothers in reading this book. The entire philosophical background for the movie has been in existence for hundreds of years and debated on so many levels. All they had to do was write the script and sell it off. Oh well. Shakespeare said, "nothing is new under the sun," and he continues to prove himself correct to me.

Enough Hollywood ranting. Here's my question of the day:

Can one change history?

Let's begin with a quote from one of my very least favorite books, 1984:

"Then where does the past exist, if at all?"
"In records. It is written down."
"In records. And-?"
"In the mind. In human memories."
"In memory. Very well, then. We, the Party, control all records, and we control all memories. Then we control the past, do we not?"
-1984 by George Orwell

Okay, so if something is forgotten by a every single person and all records of the event have been lost forever, did the event ever occur? Let me put it another way.
Suppose Neo, Morpheus, and Trinity didn't decide to liberate everyone in the Matrix, but instead decided to strike up a deal with the Machines.

Suppose they say,
"Look, keep doing what you're doing because people in the Matrix seem to be enjoying themselves. What you need to do is make up a likely story for why you decided to plug everyone into this 'false reality.' Make yourselves look like benevolent heroes by putting the human race into a false reality instead of this dark, dank world. Then, destroy all records and databases, including the city of Zion, that would give evidence to the human vs. machine war. Everyone is happy! You look like heroes, the humans are content in their fish tank. What do you say?"

What would be wrong with this? Would you be able to argue that the war ever occurred, and supposing the machines erase and reprogram themselves to make even themselves think they're creating the Matrix for benevolent purposes, would they still be doing wrong? There are so many sticky situations going on here.

I just thought I'd give you all an insight into my latest line of thinking and see if anyone has any constructive ideas to put forth on the matter. Fun stuff, eh?