My Recent Progress...

I write today with a renewed sense of reality. As most of you probably know, I haven't been myself since February when Lindsey and I broke up. There have been a lot of really difficult things that have happened in my life since then, but I've managed to keep it all together for the most part. Still, the past four months have been surreal, causing me to grow and change in some very unexpected ways.

Lindsey's back in town, and we've seen each other a few times, which has been very good for me. It's caused me to think more about what happened between us, why we fell apart, and how it all made me feel. I should have dealt with those feelings before now, I know, but I couldn't quite bring myself to truthfully embrace them. I needed a bit of distance from it all. Now that she's here, I'm figuring out how to get past it, which is giving me a refreshed sense of self-compassion. Thank you, Lindsey.

I also write today with a renewed sense of audience. There have been some times in the last few months that I've been less than respectful to people of some belief systems. Part of this was because I had been hurt and am learning to work through some of my old animosity, but part of it was just out of ignorance, and I'm sorry. It's sad because this is part of what I detested about other blogs, yet I still fell into the same trap of using this blog as a soap box instead of a planting box for my thoughts. Again, I'm sorry. As Derrida commented, this isn't MY blog. This is OUR blog, and my thoughts are completed only when others read them and reflect upon them.

This goes for real life, too, not just the blogosphere. Real life is full of real people, and if you're stuck in pain and self-centricities, you'll never realize that. You'll never be open to who people really are, how much they can love you, how much you can love them back. I've been there the past few months as well, and I don't like it. But I can only get past it by rebuilding myself enough to be able to extend my self-compassion to those around me. I know that.

Which brings me to the actual point of this post. I've been reading a great book a friend of mine from work lent me called "The Lost Art of Compassion" by Dr. Lorne Ladner. It's a phenomenal book that works through Buddhism through the lens of psychology, showing how the brain uses desire as a self-defense mechanism to help cope with death and loss. I'm having a great time with it, and I'm also realizing that though I've heard the Four Noble Truths many times before, they're put into a new light in this book which makes me not only understand them better, but internalize them and come to know the validity of them.

Realizing that only when I fully understand the idea of impermanence can I live fully in the present moment and love myself and others completely and unabashedly, I'm going to spend the next week or so meditating on the propensities of this idea. I'll spend time reflecting upon my death, the death of those around me, the loss of physical and mental attributes over time, loss of material possessions, etc. The whole point is to help my ego understand that everything is fleeting. Pain is fleeting, yes; this is the easy part of the equation to realize. But happiness is just as fleeting unless it takes as its foundation the simple idea that nothing is forever. I am not forever. You are not forever. From there I can cultivate a mind of compassion for the present moment which is grounded in the reality of life, not in the illusions my ego projects for me.

I'll be sure to let you all know how it goes. Have a great day everybody!

PostSecret

Today is Sunday, which means that it's a new PostSecret day. Every Sunday since I've discovered the site I have eagerly anticipated Sunday because of the new PostSecret. I stare at the pictures, thinking deeply about the person who wrote them, why, what they look like, where they live, etc. I really enjoy it. It's more of a tradition to me than going to Church (which I still do seldomly), writing on this blog (which I do seldomly as well), and other such things that I should do more often than I do. My question today is why? Why do I enjoy having a false sense of intimacy with strangers? Further, why is PostSecret so popular? What is it about the site that attracts millions of hits?

I know that for a lot of people it makes them feel better to know that they aren't alone. Lots of people are hiding their own secrets, afraid to let anyone know. PostSecret is an opportunity for such people to know that others are the same way. The viewer isn't an outcast, and often times the secrets that others are harboring are much worse than the secret of the person viewing the site. It's a comforting notion, and on some level I participate in it, though I don't think that is the main reason that I enjoy the site.

There is a certain shock value that the site has which I enjoy. It's interesting to see the things that the human race is capable of. These things aren't just stories you read in a book somewhere. They're sent in by real people who are our next door neighbors, our dentists, our lawyers, standing with us in the line at Wal-Mart. That is very interesting to me. I tend to think that I'm living an absurd life among people who have a perfect, cookie-cutter, story book life. PostSecret reminds me that that simply isn't so. It gives me an access into the absurdity that others around me experience and carry around with them for years to come.

I think that more than anything PostSecret is an exercise in sympathy for me. Because PostSecret reminds me that all of us are carrying around baggage and are suffering in some way, I'm compelled to be more caring and sensitive to those around me. In meditating on the pictures and thinking deeply about the people who wrote the secret and why, I experience a deep sense of compassion for those people which spills over into my everyday life. I think that's why I read it. It reminds me that we're all human, we're all suffering in some way, and we all need each other.

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Now playing: System Of A Down - Ego Brain
via FoxyTunes

Jews and Butterflies...

Today has been a rather interesting day so far. I'm home in Salem, MO because I haven't really seen Mom and Dad since school started. We went to the MU vs. Nebraska game yesterday (and what a beautiful game it was!) and then I went to church to see Dad preach today. In the midst of that is studying for an exam I'm afraid of, but the break with Mom and Pop has been rather nice.

Today I walked into church a bit late because we got home really late from the game. I came in during the joys and concerns period to see a young man about my age standing at the front of the church. He said something to this effect:

"My friends, I have a confession to make to you all. I've worshiped with you my whole life and you've helped me along in my spiritual journey and become my friends and family, which is why I feel I have an obligation to let you know where I am in that journey right now. Since going to college, I have stopped going to a United Methodist church. I am actually not going to a Christian church any longer. Since going to college, I have become a member of the Bethel Congregation in Jefferson City and am converting to Judaism. My reasons are between me and God, but if you'd like to ask me about it one-on-one after church, I'd be more than willing to talk to you about why I'm doing what I'm doing. You're all still my family and I'd be really upset if something like a belief got in the way of us loving each other."

I was blown away that this guy had the courage to stand up and say that in front of an older UMC congregation. But it gets better.

The congregation lady who was leading joys and concerns stands up to the mic and says, "It'd take a lot more than a change in religion for you to stop being a part of my family. We love you." And then the whole congregation clapped! It was really amazing. How's that for blowing away some typical traditional Christian stereotypes of closed-minded, hating people? Sure changed my mind on a few things.

I am always astounded when people are truly honest with each other. Most of the time people are really understanding and respectful when you're straight up with them. They really appreciate it. This was one of those instances. Respect for one another and a love of humanity and the community has the power to transcended race, religion, spirituality, lifestyle, etc. Very cool.

On a side note, I was walking back home from church and while I was walking through my front yard, I noticed a flock of things gliding a few feet above my head. I thought they were small birds at first, but then I noticed that it was a pack of monarch butterflies! How beautiful! I've been seeing them a lot more around campus lately. I think that they're migrating right now to get away from the coming cold. Every time I see them, they call me to mindfulness and I smile for a few seconds. It's really nice.

Euthanasia and ethics in practice...

Today I had a really interesting experience. It started with coming home from work and feeling mentally exhausted, so I thought I'd try to get in some light meditation just to calm down. I didn't really want to do it on my back porch like I usually do because it was rather noisy around my neighborhood this time of day, so I got on my bike and went to my favorite secluded pond in the back woods a little bit. That's where things got a little weird.

I walked around the shoreline of this pond (almost big enough to be a lake) just to get some mud between my toes and relax my heart rate a little bit after the bike ride there. In the water I noticed one unusually huge largemouth bass floating on the surface. It looked a little torn up and wasn't moving, so I just assumed it was dead. No big deal. Fish die in lakes all the time. Granted, this was a huge fish (about two feet long, which is a ginormous bass), but a fairly regular occurance. Just when I was about to get into my meditation position, the fish flopped. Weird....

I watched for a few minutes as this bass sporadically flopped in the water, obviously suffering from some massive injury and getting ready to die. It really bothered me. Should I just watch this fish suffer? Should I kill it and put it out of its misery? If I were the fish, what would I want done to me? I pondered for about ten minutes, pacing the shoreline. Eventually, I came to a conclusion. I'm not sure whether it was right or not, but I made a decision.

I waded into the water and grabbed this giant fish. I stared it in the eyes for a little bit and then set it on the dock to die. I couldn't gather the courage to crush it and kill it myself, but I figured I'd speed up the process and end its suffering. The way I saw it, it was an act of compassion to help kill this fish. It was going to die either way. One way it was slow and terrible, the other it was over in a couple of minutes.

After discussion with Lindsey, I realized something that I think is important. While I was pacing and thinking about what to do, I wanted to make sure that I whatever I did (or didn't do, as would be the case had I left the fish to its own misery), I had thought it out. I didn't want to leave the fish alone just because I didn't know what to do. I made a decision on purpose, which I think is part of the intrigue for me. For me, not making a decision at all is just as bad as making the wrong decision, but I could very well be wrong. I'm not enlightened. Thoughts?

I don't know. I just thought I'd share it with you guys and maybe open up some interesting discussion and hear some other points of view on a matter like this. What do you all think? Is it okay to aid in the death of something suffering or am I going to be a largemouth bass for the next fifty lifetimes?