Recently I've been thinking a lot about the journey I've made to get to where I am today. Lots of things have happened to me along the way (most of the things that have happened to me have been my fault. We create a lot of our own problems, I think), and with every conflict I have changed somehow. My thought patterns and ways in which I interact with the world have evolved, have shifted somehow.

I like to think of my life as in constant flux, never settled, never finished, always striving for change and more. That being said, it's not easy. I have changed a lot in my particular worldview a lot over the past few years especially, and I wonder if everyone goes through the same things I am or if I just think too much.

Putting it more directly, I wonder if everyone goes through many different evolutions of thinking about life. I know I personally have gone through the phases of realism, romanticism, modernism, and now I feel like I'm stepping out into post-modernism. What's next, I do not know. Does everyone go through life like that?

I feel like maybe in order to fully grow up and mature we have to go through many stages of thought which eventually bring us into the modern thought of our particular culture. For me, I trekked through fideism for years eventually leading me to the pinnacle in which I thought my particular beliefs should be impressed upon others, and I eventually lost my footing and got lost in relativism for a while. I'm starting to pick through the relativistic rubble and salvage it all, but for a while it was weird.

What do you think? Does everyone have to go through the pain of evolution of thought in order to reach contemporary or are some people born post-modern? Do some people never reach the end and just settle into some outdated model of thought? Where are we going next? I suppose only time will tell, but regardless I'm sure it will be fun to look back on posts like this in ten years and see how stupid I used to be.

A strange day...

I started off my day at the Holiday Inn Express in Salem. When I woke up, I took a shower and wanted to put my contacts in. I couldn't find the case, so I asked Dad if he'd done anything with it due to the fact that Dad usually cleans up other people's stuff and puts it in random places no one would ever find on their own.
"Hey Pops, what'd you do with my contacts?" I ask.

"Oh," Dad says. "Those were yours? I think I may have thrown them away...sorry..."

Apparently Dad had woken up before me that morning and put in my contacts thinking they were his. When he realized he couldn't see at all, he figured it was because they were old and threw them away, leaving me blind in Salem. I'm not blind enough that I couldn't drive home, so after getting breakfast and grabbing a few things from the new house, I embarked on my two hour trip back to the lake to work two more shifts at Starbucks before I'm in South Eastern MO for the rest of the summer.

Once I got to the lake (A Dream Theater CD and a compiled Beatles CD later, with one great "ah ha!" moment during "There are places I remember), I went to my buddy Keith's house where I'm staying during Limbo. I rang the doorbell, knocked on the door, went all around the house to see if they had left any other doors open, and finally resigned myself to the fact that nobody is home. This means that I'm still blind and I have no clothes to change into for work and no place to just sit and be for a while. Anxiety rises.

Now, I'm at my mom's office at Columbia College and hanging out for a while until I can figure out what to do. I just wanted to maybe relieve a little stress by chilling out here and writing down my day. It's only 11:30!!!! AH!!!!!

You know what, I'm suffering through this move. I'm okay with admitting it because it seems that when I admit it, it becomes easier. Allowing people to know you aren't yourself and you're having a hard time makes it easier on you and everyone around you to get through your day. I'm human. I have struggles from time to time.

It feels like I haven't had a moment to rest for two weeks. I'm excited to finally get to Salem in a way because it means I can just sit and calm down. No job, no tasks, no stress (save that of missing everyone and a minute case of sensory depravation).

I think one of the main things that's stressing me out about this whole thing is that something so permanent in my life is shifting. It's not necessarily a bad thing, and I know that. I'm aware of the fact that impermanence is everywhere in life, I just don't know how I'm supposed to come to terms with that. I'm also aware that I'm very young and I'm not supposed to have this stuff figured out yet. That gives me hope.

The thing is this: I can deal with my home moving from one part of the state to the other. What I'm not okay with just yet is the idea of my relationships shifting and changing. The move has brought to my mind that even my most beloved relationships with people are fragile and can change at a moments notice. I could lose my friends, my family, everyone near me in a moment. This, in my mind, is the essence of mindfulness. Nothing is permanent. Nothing. The solution, then, is to live fully awake and fully alive in every moment in order to fully enjoy every impermanent thing while it is before you in the present.

Breath in, I calm my body.
Breath out, I smile.
Dwelling in the present moment,
I know this is a wonderful moment.
-Thich Nhat Hanh

Thank you, friends, for everything. Putting up with me can be a task at times, I'm sure. ;)

Means to an End...

Lately there have been a lot of questions in my mind, like from the post about koans, that are really interesting to ponder. The answers aren't as important as the questions in most cases, and you really can't tell what the answer is if you wanted to. Such things like, "Does anything exist outside of my mind or is this all just in my head?" Thanks again, Lindsey. ;)

My question for the day is this: What is the end and what are the means? Why are we good? Are we good just for the sake of being good here and now, or are we good so that we can say that we were good here and go to heaven later? Do the intentions matter, or is the only thing that matters the action and not its motivation? I mean, I guess as long as you're doing good things, you're doing good things, right? Hmmmm

I think Mother Culture of modern-day Christianity is trying to tell me that the ends matter. We're good so we can go to heaven. God has a huge blackboard where He is keeping tally of the good things I do in my life so I'll have a cooler set of wings and a shinier halo when I get up there, right? I really detest this idea, though. My inner Buddhist/Taoist is saying that focusing on the future and doing things in order to store up for the future is the wrong idea. Be here now.

Well actually....

I'm pretty sure Jesus would disagree with Mother Culture here too. I think that is one of the lessons he tried to teach people that they didn't quite get. Teaching to a very rules-based Jewish community, it was difficult for him to get the point across. Being good here and now is a good thing just for the sake of being good here and now.

Perhaps that's why heaven is such a difficult place to get to, according to the texts. You have to forget about it in order to reach it. If you're focusing on heaven, doing good things is meaningless. You have to be doing good things just for the sake of helping people, to develop love, to be a humanitarian. Once you forget about heaven, you'll have achieved it.

Kinda like enlightenment and nirvana. One cannot meditate with nirvana and enlightment in mind. You'll never get anywhere.

The lines are all blurring in my mind....

It's highly probably that this post sucks. I'm kinda tired...

On a different note, today I came to terms with my move and with changes in general. I'm always looking for metaphors for my life that I find in nature. The seasons change, animals don't long for possessions, stuff like that. My realization today came from a beautiful sunset I saw. It was gorgeous, peering out from behind some dark clouds in complimentary shades of purple, orange, yellow, and red. Perfect...

So I was thinking about how stupid it would be to say as the sun was setting, "Don't set yet!!! Stay here with me a little longer!!! You're so beautiful! I want to hold on to you!" No. You just love it, let it be a part of you for a while, and then let it go with the memory you've just made. You realize that tomorrow there will be another sunset with its own unique beauty.

Life is a lot like that. Stages and times in life will come and go. Instead of holding onto them and mourning the loss, just go with it knowing that something just as beautiful is only a day away. Everything happens for a reason. Today's sunset means that the sun gets to rise again tomorrow. I'm okay with that thought.

Change

I'm moving this summer. For the first few days I was visibly upset over the move, but I've since calmed down somewhat. I'm still really struggling in my mind over this situation but have decided there really isn't anything I can do about it. Some things are just out of my control. Life is about dealing with things you can't change as gracefully as possible.

The reason I've decided to post about it today is because my friend Peter Clothier from The Buddha Diaries made a post about his stomping ground being consumed by fires in California. It parallels my emotions in a lot of ways. The places he loves to walk with his wife are gone, taken away by the forest fires. I started to think to myself, "Wow. I don't know what I would do if my favorite spots to watch the sunset back home were taken away." Then I realized that is exactly what is happening in June. All of my favorite parks, sunset bluffs, bike trails, birdwatching coves. I don't know what to think about it.

On a lighter side, it will all still exist outside of me. I've been dealing with that a lot lately too. There are things in life that I want near me all of the time. I'm happier when they're there, when I'm amongst the endangered green herons in my cove at home, when I'm with good friends leaving for home this week, when I'm on my bike on the steel bridge overlooking the river on the trail here at Drury. There is a thought that consoles me throughout the whole thing: Regardless of whether I'm with these people or near these places, they exist. They exist outside of me and the world is a much more beautiful place because of that. I can call up my friends or drive home and visit these places when I get the desire. I guess change just isn't easy.

It also reminds me of my recent meditations. Thinking about my breathing is like being home. Breathing connects me with life. All of the life here on this planet needs the same oxygen I'm breathing in to survive, so we're all connected when I'm being mindful about my breath. I wonder if it is the same with people or places. When I'm thinking about my friends and our relationship, when I abide in the loves that we share, we're connected again regardless of where we are. I can close my eyes and think about that cliff that nobody else knows about and I'm there once more.

Still, nothing can replace the embrace of a friend or the feeling of the dirt between my toes back home...