Saturday, February 14, 2009

One Year Ago Today...

Today I wanted to take a brief respite from the normal stuff where I try and piece something together that people from the outside might find value and intrigue in. Today I want to write for myself and be all cheesy and emotional. I really try not to do that so much on this blog because I don't want it to become a diary, I want it to be substantive, but today I just want to write. I need to get these thoughts out of my head.

One year ago today I broke up with Lindsey. Truthfully, I still think about her all the time. I read her blog with interest, I catch myself daydreaming about trips we made together, she even shows up in my dreams every now and again. It isn't so much that I want her back (though sometimes I do) or that I think we shouldn't have broken up when we did (I still think that was a good decision for us both). Mostly I miss my friend and I regret the way I handled it all.

Look, I know things happened the way they did and I can't change that. I know I was really, really young and that I did the best I could have. And I know I learned and grew a lot through it all, so ultimately it all worked out the only way it could have and it worked out for the better. Still, growing up is hard. That's really the only way I can put it. Growing up sometimes means learning the hard way. Sometimes you learn by doing the wrong thing, by hurting people you care about, by failing and hurting yourself.

And I really haven't been the same since. I have tried dating a lot since then, but it always works out terribly. In retrospect, I really haven't been fair to the girls I've dated since Lindsey. I'm just not ready to open up again and let people in, so I always accidentally lead girls on and hurt them. I actually lead myself on, too, and I always have to come to face to face with the realization that I still haven't quite figured it all out yet.

So I really just wanted to write this post for a few reasons. I wanted to remind myself that I'm still human. I'm still hurting and I've still got a place in my heart for that relationship that taught me so much and helped me grow. And I still have the opportunity to wake up and use that experience to help me become the man I want to be. The key, I think, is recognition of the truth that I can't just do what I have been doing and expect different results. I can't continue to run away from myself and hide, or intentionally keep myself too busy to deal with it all. Time to put on my big boy pants, and what better day to reflect on it all than today.

So that's that, I suppose. A little anti-climactic, but that's life. All is well here in Greece, just so you know. It snowed today! Now the mountain I see off in the distance has a white cap. I've been meeting lots of locals lately (that's the great thing about bars), and they invited me to a birthday party tonight, so I'll having fun. I love you all and I hope to hear from everyone soon!


Anonymous said...

Yeah, you're human. In my expereince (both personally and professionally) break-ups are a loss and grief knows no timetable. It's like waves - the die down, but sometimes you still find it washing over you.

Anonymous said...

Very well put citizen! Mark its good to read about the same things i feel from time to time... Maybe i am normal :). i did quite a bit if reminiscing satuday. Being at mom and dads house didn't help. I was looking for some paperwork and found things i forgot i had and quite frankly didn't want to see. I suppose its good to look at the past so we can avoid mistakes in the future. Well i hope you're havin a great time and can't wait to hear from ya!!