Thanksgiving...

It's Thanksgiving again, and that brings about a few different responses this year. While I was expecting to have some anxiety eased by the break from the daily run-around, I find myself feeling bored and looking for things to occupy my time (hence the blog post). I also find it hard to relax around my family, all then who were here this weekend, because most of them don't really know who I am and we're all very different in our beliefs. Okay, okay, I know. I'M very different in my beliefs. They're pretty much orthodox for the Midwest. Either way, it's interesting to try and take a step back to observe.

Yesterday at dinner we went around the table and each named one thing we've been thankful for over the past year, starting with me. Strangely, I found myself struggling to come up with an answer I was really satisfied with. I couldn't help but think about all the strange things that had happened to me over the past year. One year ago, I was in Bixbee, Oklahoma enjoying Thanksgiving with Lindsey and her family. Thinking back now, our relationship had already started to become overly difficult, but I still loved her. That time and those emotions still feel so powerful and near to me, even considering the fact that we've been apart almost as long as we were together. It was a very consuming relationship in all regards.

The past year has witnessed the advent of me getting into ballet, which has been a very positive thing for me (regardless of how good I am at it). Last year I was involved in residential life at Drury, which turned out to be very destructive for various reasons. I found a church to go to which I really enjoy, I've found myself in an entirely new circle of friends on campus, and now more than ever I'm entirely confused as to what the future holds for me. I think I summed it up well when I told my family at the dinner table, "It's been a rebuilding year." So much change, so little time to settle into it all. And it won't be long until I'm off to a foreign country for a semester, bringing more change and less certainty than ever before!

Is this what growing up is like? I can't help but think that the existentialists are right. There is no certainty in life. If we're looking for genuine surety and comfort in life, we're going to find ourselves searching until the day we die. Maybe every year is like this for everyone. Constant flux (surprising, eh Buddhists?), constant gain and loss, never a moment of rest. How does one deal with it? That's my question for the week, I suppose. Panza, this one's for you: How does one become comfortable amidst the anxiety, absurdity, and unsurity of life? How will I be able to sit at the Thanksgiving dinner table next year and say, "This past year has been so wonderful! I'm so content with where I am!"

I promise I'll put up a real post with content and less whining soon. It's just been a stressful weekend.