Monday, October 20, 2008

Recent Observations...

I think it's fair to say that I struggle with depression on a quasi-regular basis. For a few years I had gotten good at fighting it off somehow. I didn't struggle with it regularly. Recently though, it's really flared up again. It's been about eight months of fighting on and off with it. For me, symptoms include lashing out at people for no reason, completely shutting myself off from the rest of the world (I tend to sit in my room and do nothing for hours at a time), a lot more time spent sleeping or tired, and a complete loss of motivation to do anything (including the most necessary of tasks like homework).

It started to get really bad again last semester. Lindsey (whom I thought just a few short months prior was going to be my wife someday) and I had just gone through a terrible breakup, my best friend Keith had attempted suicide (which rocked my world in so many ways), and deadlines were flying at me. I lost control. It was only by the grace of God (and some very compassionate professors) that I finished all of my papers on time and got decent grades on them.

I've noticed that my blogging follows trends. When I'm happy and feeling optimistic about life, I blog. I feel like my thoughts have worth and want to know what others feel about them. When I'm feeling depressed, I don't blog. I feel like my thoughts become worthless, like suddenly nobody cares about what I have to say. Admittedly, I feel like that now, and I've felt like that for a few weeks now (notice the lack of blogging).

I don't know what causes it. I've got a pretty serious history of it in my family, which leads me to think it's biological. The problem is, I don't know what to do about it. I don't really want to start taking medicine though I know it would help and it's a viable option (it's really helped my family members with clinical depression), I just want to be able to function on my own. I want to know that I'm "me" all the time, you know?

For the next two weeks I pledge myself to meditate and write in my journal daily. I'm hoping this commitment to introspection will help. If it does, I'll continue the regimen indefinitely. If it doesn't, I pledge to go get professional help. I'm really tired of not being my typical perky self. I'm tired of being so self-deprecating, tired of being tired, tired of feeling worthless for no reason.

I think this means I should actually blog more as an outlet, a commitment to something. Stability in my life helps I think.


lindsey said...

Thank you for taking care of yourself.

Anonymous said...

Can I put in a plug for getting help? There are things you can learn that may not come from introspection alone.