Something's been on my mind all day, and for the first time in I don't know how long I can't figure out what it is. Maybe it's the due dates for papers that I have coming up. Maybe it's how unsure this whole summer is. Maybe I'm coming down from how intensely stressful this whole semester has been on so many fronts. Maybe it's just the changing weather. I don't know. All I know is that I feel like there is a five hundred pound weight on my chest and I have no idea why.
Perhaps it's a combination of all of the factors just hitting me at the same time. Today made me realize something for perhaps the first time, though: I need people. I need friends. I can't do it alone. As hard as I try and as strong as I am, sometimes I just need to go to Petsmart with my friends and play with puppies. Sometimes I just need to introvert and stop handling other peoples' problems.
I'm never honest with people about my past, about what's going on in my life, about how hurt I am sometimes. I'm worried that I'll get rejected or that I'll lose my mysteriousness, or people will realize just how stupid I really am.
Well I suppose now is as good a time as any to fix that. I've taken the past several months to clean up my act. I've made some huge mistakes, and I've actually gone around admitting to the people that I've hurt how messed up I am, how sorry I am for what I've done, and I've laid myself down asking for their forgiveness. It's really hard, but incredibly liberating at the same time. I can move on and rebuild relationships I've lost because I was too careless or too selfish to maintain them.
I think right now I'm at a place where I've put myself at a point where I can start over, and maybe that's what's wrong. I have a blank slate. I'm starting to be open again. In doing so, people can really accept me or not. Who will accept me? Am I still going to remain on my own? Why do I have this deep-seated desire to be accepted, to be needed, to be loved? Why am I not enough on my own? Where do I go from here?
Maybe that's what's bothering me.
Sorry for the discombobulated post. I needed it, though.
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2 comments:
You're not enough on your own because not only are you a human, but you're an animal in general. In order for you even come into existence you needed to directly rely on two different people, and those two had to rely on four...
How could you ever be alone? You're stuck with us, man. :)
Hey, thanks for your comment on my blog entry about space travel. You make a valid point about the Kansas board of Ed; they're shutting children's minds before they even have a chance to open them.
After I posted that, Steven Hawking came out and agreed with me. Nice of him, eh?
Be sure to check out the picture of Dr. Hawking in zero-G!
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