Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Drowning in the Sea...


Last night I had a couple of really strange dreams. I think the first one might have been triggered by reading Peter Clothier's posts over the past few days about dealing with death. Both of the dreams I had involved overwhelming amounts of water and both involved people I haven't seen in a while but miss.

The first dream was about Lindsey. I know it's somewhat revealing and I don't normally talk about my relationships on my blog, but we broke up a couple of months ago and I feel like I'm just recently starting to deal with it, which is why she's been showing up in my dreams. We were running around in some ocean bay, but it was like a floating city. In order to get to each different part of the city, you had to navigate these tiny little floating bridges which were riddled with shark-like creatures. We always seemed to make it across, but whenever we'd get anywhere people were always wondering what we were doing together. That's all I really remember about that one. It was kinda random.

The second dream has been really affecting me all day. I dreamed that my whole family was on this huge ship. It felt something like an oil tanker on the outside, but the inside was very luxurious and homey. While we were out at sea, there was a huge hurricane which was inevitably going to consume us all. My dad was there on the inside, and he kept saying things like, "I've had a full life and I'm just going to stay on this ship. I want the whole family to die together, so we all need to stay on the boat." When he said that, I remember crying. Have you ever had those experiences where you are crying in a dream, but it feels so real that you're almost positive you're actually lying in your bed crying in real life? That's what it felt like. I remember replying to dad by saying things like, "I haven't had that life yet! I want to get married! I want to raise my children someday!" And this I remember distinctly: I remember saying, "I want your life, dad!" And now that I'm awake and think about it, it makes sense

I want to be secure in myself, to have a lovely wife with whom I share a loving and trusting relationship, raise wonderful children, have my own home with a yard to mow, have a career, etc. I want all the things my father has had. It was a strange dream and I don't quite know what to do with it all. I suppose I just wanted to get it off of my chest. I'm not ready to die, and I know it.

2 comments:

lindsey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

interesting--in more on christianity, you discuss how the faith of your past now makes you physically ill. and you say (with good reason) that there is no way to know if it's true.
then in this post, you bravely share your dream, which sounds pretty disturbing (it would disturb me, anyway) and say:

" i remember replying to dad by saying things like, "I haven't had that life yet! I want to get married! I want to raise my children someday!" And this I remember distinctly: I remember saying, "I want your life, dad!" And now that I'm awake and think about it, it makes sense

I want to be secure in myself, to have a lovely wife with whom I share a loving and trusting relationship, raise wonderful children, have my own home with a yard to mow, have a career, etc. I want all the things my father has had."

hmmm. i wonder if all those things walt has that you desire--his sense of well being, security, his values, his devotion to family: is it possible that they have come about because of his beliefs, that have been born--not in christianity--but in knowing Jesus?
some food for thought.
robwinger