Thursday, August 16, 2007

An admittedly scattered post...

Have you ever had one of those moments when you feel like you're passed up? Overlooked, perhaps? Under-appreciated? I had a moment like that just the other day, and it got me thinking about the nature of myself. Why did I feel like that? I won't explain the background of the story. That's irrelevant. What is relevant is what I learned from it.

After the incident occurred, I commiserated in a coffee shop for a few hours to collect my thoughts on the matter, bringing with me my trusty journal (which I write in more than here, which is why I haven't been posting on the blog for some time). I started journaling and just going over the incident, getting all of the pure emotion out of the way. After that was done, I was able to ask myself, "What about you makes you feel entitled to be noticed? Why do you feel like you need to be recognized for things?" And with that, I was off and running.

I feel like I need to be valued. Not just valued, but valued over other people. My western mind sets up hierarchies of better and worse. The problem with that is that someone inevitably ends up being "worse" and someone "better," which my gut tells me is wrong. My instinct wants me to say that everyone is equal, that we're all valued just for being us. Besides, there is no way I can be the "best" at anything, no matter how hard I try. All I can do is be the best version of myself I can possibly be, which I must learn to be okay with and accept.

Okay, so going on the assumption that we're all equal and valued, I began to ask myself what it is about us that makes us valuable. What is it about a life that makes each of us special and worth while, no matter who ranks where on the hierarchy? It can't just be "life." "Life" can be squandered, spent poorly, and, most notably, taken away.

Aside from Eastern concepts that we are all cut from the same cloth and none of us have an individual soul and all the concepts of reciprocity that go along with that, I came up with a Western idea that allows for individual value: experiences. No two people have the exact same experiences, and taking someone's life means revoking that person's experiences from this world forever. Each person should be valued for the completely unique experiences they have had in this life without regard to merit or status. My experiences are totally different from anyone who may ever read this, making me a unique individual that has intrinsic value.

I'm sure this idea will evolve, change, or I may completely disregard it someday, but for now I can live with it. There is still an idea that bothers me. I'm using this idea of experience to cope with not being recognized. It's just a coping mechanism right now for me, not a solution. I've got a long way to go and a lot of things to learn. In the end, I'd like to be content with who I am and what I do. I'd like to value and love everyone, not needing a reason to do so. I'm just not there yet. My young mind still judges everyone and puts people on pedestals, even though I know it's wrong and I want to stop.

This, by the way, is me putting myself out there to be judged and put on my own pedestal. Every time I write a blog entry, I'm putting myself out there to be judged and thrown about at the beck and whim of whoever might be doing the reading. Perhaps there is a lesson in that. Every time I read a blog entry, I need to realize that this person is letting me into their own world. That is a wonderful thing, even if I disagree with whatever I may read. Life is beautiful.


lindsey said...

thank you for putting yourself out there.

Cardozo said...

It's fun following along with this blog, which is (I think) trying to fill the cracks in your evolving concept of how the world works.

Regarding the disappointment of being overlooked, I try to take comfort in the knowledge that a job well done almost always gets recognized by the people who trouble themselves enough to pay attention...and those are the only people to be concerned about anyway, right?

And if our efforts aren't recognized by people whose opinions we value highly...then maybe its a signal that we haven't "performed" as well as we thought! No harm done...just back to the drawing board. Or MAYBE it means we're ahead of our time.