My Big Lie...

Again, I've been pondering Peter with a two week delay. Let's get started, shall we? We'll start at the very beginning. It's a very good place to start.

I was never the "cool kid" in school until later. When social groups started forming in about fourth grade, I was left on the outskirts of popularity. Don't get me wrong; I'm not about to tell a sob story or have an emotional unload on my blog, but it's part of the story I mean to tell. I was often mocked and made fun of for being the teacher's pet, not having the cool clothes, whatever kids make fun of each other for when we're young. My parents would tell me, "They only make fun of you to make themselves feel cool!" I didn't understand the truth behind those words for a very long time, so I took their shots and let them get me down.

Flash forward to high school.

I'd been a successful track athlete in jr. high, and I enjoyed it. Naturally, I continued to pursue track (most notably pole vault and sprinting) in high school. Eventually, my body developed and I transformed from the geek into the fastest kid in school. I had become an athlete, and this is where I first got a taste of success over the kids that had always made fun of me. During track season, I was part of the flock with them. They'd cheer me on in my races and we'd get along pretty well. I felt good because they were being civil to me and I knew I was better at an athletic event than them.

It sounds terrible, but beating these guys in athletics was a profound feeling. Being smarter than them wasn't anything I cared about. That's why they made fun of me in grade school to begin with and these guys didn't care about school at all. They did, however, have some stock in their ability as athletes. I had taken them at their own game. Even though we were teammates during the season, I was always competing with them. When I was racing, it felt like I was always racing my teammates. They were chasing me to the finish line. In reality, none of them were faster than me. In my mind, they always won.

Flash forward to the present.

I've been having the strangest dreams this week. I have been dreaming that I'm on the track with these guys again. Even though I never got along with a lot of these guys, I was desperately in love with running. I miss track so much. My college doesn't have a team, so I never put on my spikes and run anymore. I miss the speed, the wind, the crowd, the baton handoffs, the adrenaline. I felt alive when I was racing. I thought at first that these dreams I'd been having of racing on the track were just my mind being upset and missing track season, but I've noticed something strange about the dreams.

It isn't just me running on the track, feeling the rubber underneath my spikes. I'm always racing someone from my school that I never had any problems beating, but I can't stand up to him anymore. He always annihilates me. I've lost my edge. I'm slow again, like I was when I started to get made fun of when I was little. After thinking about this for a few days, another thought started popping into my head.

I recommend everyone read Peter Clothier's blog post from Friday, May 11 2007. In The Buddha Diaries, Clotheir discusses lots of interesting topics, but one in particular has been bothering me lately. The post, entitled "Body-Mind," is about Peter's "Big Lie." At a conference Clothier went to, the administrator was trying to get everyone to discover the one problem in their mind they can't overcome. The essence of the problem is a solid question all of us need to address: Why do I foil my own plans? What part of me gets in my own way and why? All of the story I told above adds to my own "Big Lie."

My "Big Lie" goes something like this: "I'm not good enough."

I've always stacked myself up against other people. I've always had to compete for attention. I felt like I had to beat these guys at their own game in order to earn respect and comradery. Why? Because I had been convinced of a giant sham. I had let myself believe that I'm not good enough on my own. I played their game, and in their game, only they win. It's a theme that I've let dictate my life and effect me. I've foiled myself because of "I'm not good enough." I've let good things go by because I don't deserve them. Isn't that ridiculous?!

From now on, I'm done competing. From now on, I know what I want and I know how to get it. From now on, I'm done not being good enough. God damnit, I'm worth it. I'm worth happiness. I'm done with my big lie, because that's all it is. A Big Lie. Nothing more. I'm good enough being me, not what people want me to be. It feels good to be me.

Na na na na na na na, Sparky. You get to be happy. Na na na na na na na, I give you unlimited time...