Monday, April 30, 2007

Welcome, May...

Today is the first day of May and I'm here to usher it in at 12:17. I haven't posted my thoughts in quite some time. Not that I haven't had thoughts to post, I just can't ever manage to compose them in a manner that seems productive, so tonight will be stream of consciousness in order to get the juices flowing again. Bear with me.

I've been enjoying meditation lately. It's applications are very wide, and though I'm just getting started and am in no way a master (or even good at it), I notice my mindefulness spreading throughout my daily life already. It's wonderful to be alive in the moment and to begin to understand myself, my inner workings. To me that is a major factor of Buddhism: the study of the self. There is much to learn.

Tonight I made an interesting observation. I stated to a few friends of mine, "I find myself wanting someone to complete me." That is the problem. The western world sees that as a romantic ideal and someday some wonderful woman will come sweep me off my feet and we'll ride off into the sunset together, but that isn't at all how I see it. I want to be complete on my own. I want to discover how to be content alone and lose the part of me that desires the other. I'll never be complete with someone if I'm not complete without someone. Perhaps this is an immature line of thought seeing as I lack experience. Just prima facie thinking.

I wish I could fully express myself. I have yet to discover the activity that gives me catharsis. Writing, art, music, exercise, it all falls short of me feeling like I've created something that gets my emotions across, or perhaps I just haven't mastered it yet. I'm only 19. I've got room to grow and change and develop.

Welcome, May. Bring change.

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